It didn't take many days before the Princess of the house, Miss 17, is back to her ways of doing nothing and her Dad not noticing or dealing with it. Two days this weekend she did not do any chores. Last night she had a friend around and wanted to watch DVDs. We had to get out of the lounge. We couldn't go in the other lounge as the rest of them were in there. I went to bed at 8.30pm with a book. At least it was a good book.
This morning she and friend didn't get up until 11am. Then she went out for the day - shopping and to the beach. She strolled in late afternoon in new jeans. While I brought the washing in she was meant to have done - three loads of it - she pranced around the kitchen helping her dad make dinner. Hard not to feel displaced by her. I get all the crappy jobs in this house, including disciplining these children, and she enjoys some cooking therapy which I would much rather have done.
We have a rule that cell phones must be kept downstairs - which has been in place for a year. Many evenings I notice that Princess Miss 17 has hers in her room and gone to bed. Poor weak Dad - just cannot manage to check.
I work for the same company as a lady I know a little. She and I had the most wonderful cup of coffee once where she told me she had experienced the same agony of a stepdaughter who saw it her job to compete with the new lady in her father's life - flirting and doing whatever she could to undermine them. Listening to this lady, I feel a huge sigh of relief. I was not going mad - there really are these Princess daughters who rule the house, flirt with their fathers and cause all sorts of grief. I wonder how I am still sane with this 17 year old doll who wears see through tops, tiny shorts, slaps on the make up and acts all sweet and girly, flirting with her father - my husband - all the time. Maybe I am not?
I need a real change of attitude over this as it tears me apart. I don't want us to be torn apart by this minx but I fear I cannot stomach the preference her father has for her and her provocative behaviour. Heading out for a wine and will contemplate.....
Monday, 28 November 2011
Thursday, 24 November 2011
A good mummy moment
So often I am dealing with the negative aspects of our children. This afternoon I had a good mummy moment when Master 8 and I were talking about Christmas. For the first time since his dad and I split, our children will be spending all of Christmas with me and even New Year too. My ex is going to Australia with his girlfriend (I say girlfriend but as she is over 50 that seems a strange description of her) so I am able to enjoy the children for the whole time. Most importantly, they don't have to swap homes at lunchtime on Christmas Day which has happened for the last four years.
We are all going to stay in Auckland and have Christmas Day with my husband's family - two brothers, wives and children plus the lovely grandparents. It is going to be wonderful, casual and relaxed. Master 8 really likes his cousins, all boys, and we have fun together.
I said we would need to tell Father Christmas where we are going to be on Christmas Day otherwise he will deliver presents to our house and we won't be here. Master 8 said, well, it would be a lovely surprise when we come home then. I questioned whether he really would be happy with no presents on Christmas morning and his response was a wonderful "I will have my cousins, my lovely mum and my whole family, that is going to be the best present". Oh. Breathtakingly gorgeous. I am proud of my little man.
We are all going to stay in Auckland and have Christmas Day with my husband's family - two brothers, wives and children plus the lovely grandparents. It is going to be wonderful, casual and relaxed. Master 8 really likes his cousins, all boys, and we have fun together.
I said we would need to tell Father Christmas where we are going to be on Christmas Day otherwise he will deliver presents to our house and we won't be here. Master 8 said, well, it would be a lovely surprise when we come home then. I questioned whether he really would be happy with no presents on Christmas morning and his response was a wonderful "I will have my cousins, my lovely mum and my whole family, that is going to be the best present". Oh. Breathtakingly gorgeous. I am proud of my little man.
Anniversary, Aspbergers and Argghhh
Chippendale and I were married a year ago yesterday, just us on a jetty on the beach at a resort in Fiji. We were in flip flops and turquoise clothes, covered in frangipani and it rained. It was glorious.
It is very hard to maintain a romantic relationship amidst the challenges of these five children but we are generally very happy with each other. Actually it is only situations with the children which cause us problems. We have different parenting styles and backgrounds and a natural preference for our own children.
Chippendale left me a beautiful card yesterday which he had adapted to include a picture of us getting married and an image of the Eiffel tower where we plan to go one day. Coincidently, my card to him also had the Eiffel tower on the front. He also left me some flowers and a couple of mangos. We spent much of our honeymoon eating mangos - which were $1 for ten in Fiji. We rarely buy them here at $3 each. I bought him some aftershave.
We spent the day doing our things - working, children, taxi and after school sports. We had a bottle of bubbly to celebrate with but Master 19 thought once all the other children were in bed, this was his time for "adult" company - so it is me, hubbie and stepson on the couch. Not quite what either of us had planned and not romantic. We are planning to escape the house tonight for a date.
Master 19 is home for ten weeks from university. It has been four days and already I am finding it frustrating. He plays on his computer most of the time, plugged in with headphones. He sleeps most of the day and is up most of the night. His clothes are left wherever he was when he took them off. Yesterday they were in a pile on the bathroom floor; this morning they were in the middle of the lounge. It is like he evaporated and just left his clothes. I think this is just general teenage male behaviour.
The challenge for me is not getting annoyed with the single focus he has with his intellectual amusement - to the exclusion of everything else. He loves games, scavenger hunts, quizzes, computer games, crosswords, etc. and has the ambition to be a Game Show Host or Quizmaster. He is planning a photo scavenger hunt for the family in January which will be fun but as it is over a month away, I wish he would focus on more important things like getting a job for the holidays, doing his month-worth of washing or just being part of the household and doing his share of chores. I try not to nag but it is so hard when it is my house too and Master 19 leaves parts of himself just about everywhere all over it. His hair has not been cut for four months and looks like Art Garfunkal on a bad day. I have resisted the urge to tell him to cut it. It obviously does not stop the girls being attracted to him. Master 8 says it like it is - when he first saw his step-brother his reaction was "woooo - that's a big lot of hair". Miss 17 went into town with her brother yesterday and immediately tried to get him into a barbers. Unfortunately, because of Master 19's procrastination for the last few days, he has now missed the barber who has gone on holiday. Being the lover of familiar and routine (definitely an Aspbergic trait), he can't go anywhere else so his hair will look like Michael Jackson when he was still black by the time the barber returns.
Miss 17 has a reputation for dressing like a tart. Parents of one of her school friends have refused to let her go to their house as she dresses provocatively and flirts with the father and 13 year old son. Classmates have commented how Miss 17 makes a point of wearing very low cut tops, tiny skirts and making everyone look at her, especially other people's boyfriends. We have spoken over and over again to her about this but it makes no difference. Today she went to school for an exam dressed in the tiniest of shorts (even her grandfather commented "they don't even cover her fanny") and a lacy see-through top plus the customary heavy eye make up. I asked her when she was leaving - was she aware how much of her body she was exposing and what other people would say about it? She shrugged and said it was the current style. Chippendale is not here to see this every morning but if that were my child, I wouldn't let her out of the house looking like that. Just one of the challenges of this blended family...... Argghhhh. I think I need to have a cup of tea and listen to Dire Straits very loudly to recover.
It is very hard to maintain a romantic relationship amidst the challenges of these five children but we are generally very happy with each other. Actually it is only situations with the children which cause us problems. We have different parenting styles and backgrounds and a natural preference for our own children.
Chippendale left me a beautiful card yesterday which he had adapted to include a picture of us getting married and an image of the Eiffel tower where we plan to go one day. Coincidently, my card to him also had the Eiffel tower on the front. He also left me some flowers and a couple of mangos. We spent much of our honeymoon eating mangos - which were $1 for ten in Fiji. We rarely buy them here at $3 each. I bought him some aftershave.
We spent the day doing our things - working, children, taxi and after school sports. We had a bottle of bubbly to celebrate with but Master 19 thought once all the other children were in bed, this was his time for "adult" company - so it is me, hubbie and stepson on the couch. Not quite what either of us had planned and not romantic. We are planning to escape the house tonight for a date.
Master 19 is home for ten weeks from university. It has been four days and already I am finding it frustrating. He plays on his computer most of the time, plugged in with headphones. He sleeps most of the day and is up most of the night. His clothes are left wherever he was when he took them off. Yesterday they were in a pile on the bathroom floor; this morning they were in the middle of the lounge. It is like he evaporated and just left his clothes. I think this is just general teenage male behaviour.
The challenge for me is not getting annoyed with the single focus he has with his intellectual amusement - to the exclusion of everything else. He loves games, scavenger hunts, quizzes, computer games, crosswords, etc. and has the ambition to be a Game Show Host or Quizmaster. He is planning a photo scavenger hunt for the family in January which will be fun but as it is over a month away, I wish he would focus on more important things like getting a job for the holidays, doing his month-worth of washing or just being part of the household and doing his share of chores. I try not to nag but it is so hard when it is my house too and Master 19 leaves parts of himself just about everywhere all over it. His hair has not been cut for four months and looks like Art Garfunkal on a bad day. I have resisted the urge to tell him to cut it. It obviously does not stop the girls being attracted to him. Master 8 says it like it is - when he first saw his step-brother his reaction was "woooo - that's a big lot of hair". Miss 17 went into town with her brother yesterday and immediately tried to get him into a barbers. Unfortunately, because of Master 19's procrastination for the last few days, he has now missed the barber who has gone on holiday. Being the lover of familiar and routine (definitely an Aspbergic trait), he can't go anywhere else so his hair will look like Michael Jackson when he was still black by the time the barber returns.
Miss 17 has a reputation for dressing like a tart. Parents of one of her school friends have refused to let her go to their house as she dresses provocatively and flirts with the father and 13 year old son. Classmates have commented how Miss 17 makes a point of wearing very low cut tops, tiny skirts and making everyone look at her, especially other people's boyfriends. We have spoken over and over again to her about this but it makes no difference. Today she went to school for an exam dressed in the tiniest of shorts (even her grandfather commented "they don't even cover her fanny") and a lacy see-through top plus the customary heavy eye make up. I asked her when she was leaving - was she aware how much of her body she was exposing and what other people would say about it? She shrugged and said it was the current style. Chippendale is not here to see this every morning but if that were my child, I wouldn't let her out of the house looking like that. Just one of the challenges of this blended family...... Argghhhh. I think I need to have a cup of tea and listen to Dire Straits very loudly to recover.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Big Boobs Boo Boo
I am still recovering after the shock of a hysterical phone call from my two children while they were at their Dad's house. My ex - Heavybones - has always been addicted to pornography. Not tame Carry on movie stuff but restricted publications, websites you have to pay for and hard core films. It is not something we ever agreed on and resulted in us getting separate computers - every time I turned on the household computer, a giant pair of breasts would greet me.
Heavybones always maintained he didn't look at any of this stuff but when I got my own computer, it strangely did not feature the same images of breasts and couples copulating every time I logged on. In fact, I have never had a single sexual image appear on the three computers I have had subsequently.
Miss 13 and Master 8 telephoned squealing from their Dad's house a few days ago because they had turned on the Playstation their Dad had last used and it automatically loaded up a film featuring ladies with very big breasts pretending to teach. It fascinated and appalled them at the same time. I did not know what to say. They had been left alone for 15 minutes in the house - that was not the issue - but I was horrified they saw such images and knew it was their father's particular "interest". On some level, I can imagine the eight year old boy just found it funny and has no idea what sex is even so he would not understand why it was wrong. Miss 13 though knew and was embarrassed and protective of her father. He returned and found them in this state and told them it was on an old disk that should have been deleted bla bla bla..... He made all sorts of excuses and talked to Miss 13 about it being "nothing" and he was furious when she told him they had rung me. He then upset Miss 13 by saying it would all end up a big fuss and lawyers would get involved which was completely unnecessary. I never talked to him at the time and certainly said nothing about lawyers to the children. I just told them to turn off the Playstation and let Dad know what he had left in there.
When we separated, we went through court-assisted mediation. One of the conditions of Heavybones having equal custody of the children was that he would not share a computer with them; if they needed computer access, he had to buy them their own separate one which he did. I thought that would protect them from his pornography addiction. He didn't even have a Playstation to worry about then and I didn't know you could download x rated films on to your computers and watch them on Playstations. How naive I was.
After stewing for a day, I have now told the ex if that ever happens again, the children will be removed from his care.
Is my eight year old now going to imagine when he is older his teachers will be topless huge breasted dolly birds? God I hope not.
Heavybones always maintained he didn't look at any of this stuff but when I got my own computer, it strangely did not feature the same images of breasts and couples copulating every time I logged on. In fact, I have never had a single sexual image appear on the three computers I have had subsequently.
Miss 13 and Master 8 telephoned squealing from their Dad's house a few days ago because they had turned on the Playstation their Dad had last used and it automatically loaded up a film featuring ladies with very big breasts pretending to teach. It fascinated and appalled them at the same time. I did not know what to say. They had been left alone for 15 minutes in the house - that was not the issue - but I was horrified they saw such images and knew it was their father's particular "interest". On some level, I can imagine the eight year old boy just found it funny and has no idea what sex is even so he would not understand why it was wrong. Miss 13 though knew and was embarrassed and protective of her father. He returned and found them in this state and told them it was on an old disk that should have been deleted bla bla bla..... He made all sorts of excuses and talked to Miss 13 about it being "nothing" and he was furious when she told him they had rung me. He then upset Miss 13 by saying it would all end up a big fuss and lawyers would get involved which was completely unnecessary. I never talked to him at the time and certainly said nothing about lawyers to the children. I just told them to turn off the Playstation and let Dad know what he had left in there.
When we separated, we went through court-assisted mediation. One of the conditions of Heavybones having equal custody of the children was that he would not share a computer with them; if they needed computer access, he had to buy them their own separate one which he did. I thought that would protect them from his pornography addiction. He didn't even have a Playstation to worry about then and I didn't know you could download x rated films on to your computers and watch them on Playstations. How naive I was.
After stewing for a day, I have now told the ex if that ever happens again, the children will be removed from his care.
Is my eight year old now going to imagine when he is older his teachers will be topless huge breasted dolly birds? God I hope not.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Unexpected love triangle
I have often worried about how Master 19 will get on in the adult world of relationships. He is 19 but emotionally has the age of 11 or 12. He has never had a girlfriend although has said in the past he would like to. My main concern has been his lack of interest or awareness of things most teenagers are very concerned with - like their appearance. Master 19 doesn't care what he looks or smells like and is often unaware of other people's emotions - which is usual for people with Aspergers.
Turns out I should not have been worried. This week there have been two girls fighting over him. He has been very good friends with one of them for a long time but has no idea how to progress it (and the prospect petrifies him). I have had texts from the girl saying she really wants to be his girlfriend. When I spoke to Master 19 about this he believed having a girlfriend was a huge commitment which he was unsure he wanted to take on. When I explained it was just a case of telling her she is the most important girl in his life and holding her hand, he seemed to like the idea more. It is such a wonderful contrast to his sister, Miss 17 who has had four boyfriends in the last year (that we know about) and many other flirtations.
Long live innocence and taking your time Master 19 - love it!
Turns out I should not have been worried. This week there have been two girls fighting over him. He has been very good friends with one of them for a long time but has no idea how to progress it (and the prospect petrifies him). I have had texts from the girl saying she really wants to be his girlfriend. When I spoke to Master 19 about this he believed having a girlfriend was a huge commitment which he was unsure he wanted to take on. When I explained it was just a case of telling her she is the most important girl in his life and holding her hand, he seemed to like the idea more. It is such a wonderful contrast to his sister, Miss 17 who has had four boyfriends in the last year (that we know about) and many other flirtations.
Long live innocence and taking your time Master 19 - love it!
Monday, 14 November 2011
The alternative universe of Master 8
All our children live in different worlds to us - with different priorities, ideas and beliefs. The teenage girls' worlds are similar but the two boys in our family live in unique worlds which are often amusing to observe.
Master 8 has a wild imagination. He loves soldiers, army, anything military. His favourite toy is a wooden rifle made by Grandad N. He jumps on the floor, has mock explosions everywhere, including the middle of a musical show and is always patrolling the garden on the look-out for the enemy. I took him to one of my contract's premises once (a supermarket) dressed in full camouflage solider clothes, carrying his rifle and a plastic hand grenade. I introduced him to the Fresh Foods Manager (who luckily has a sense of humour). Master 8 threw the hand grenade into the Manager's room and ordered him to take cover. He did - under the desk - as the mock grenade exploded.
I have frequently been involved in Master 8's army training sessions. I even have my own army shirt now and we have a circuit of running and marching up and down the street with my Sergeant Major ordering me around. It is one of the few times he can boss ME about.
Yesterday, Master 8 decided to become a fashion designer which is a change from playing armies. He drew dresses for all the ladies in the house. Mine was called "The Mum" and had peacock colours in a band at the bottom with an English flag at the top. All his designs incorporated flags from England or New Zealand. He was born in England but emigrated to New Zealand when he was 18 months. He shows a deep loyalty for the country he cannot remember. Miss 17 helped him decorate a wire manikin with some fabric to demonstrate his ideas (which was nice of Miss 17). The design for me originally had a crop top but he told Miss 17 to put another piece of fabric and he didn't want my boobs to fall out. Thank you son. Very thoughtful.
Master 8 has a wild imagination. He loves soldiers, army, anything military. His favourite toy is a wooden rifle made by Grandad N. He jumps on the floor, has mock explosions everywhere, including the middle of a musical show and is always patrolling the garden on the look-out for the enemy. I took him to one of my contract's premises once (a supermarket) dressed in full camouflage solider clothes, carrying his rifle and a plastic hand grenade. I introduced him to the Fresh Foods Manager (who luckily has a sense of humour). Master 8 threw the hand grenade into the Manager's room and ordered him to take cover. He did - under the desk - as the mock grenade exploded.
I have frequently been involved in Master 8's army training sessions. I even have my own army shirt now and we have a circuit of running and marching up and down the street with my Sergeant Major ordering me around. It is one of the few times he can boss ME about.
Yesterday, Master 8 decided to become a fashion designer which is a change from playing armies. He drew dresses for all the ladies in the house. Mine was called "The Mum" and had peacock colours in a band at the bottom with an English flag at the top. All his designs incorporated flags from England or New Zealand. He was born in England but emigrated to New Zealand when he was 18 months. He shows a deep loyalty for the country he cannot remember. Miss 17 helped him decorate a wire manikin with some fabric to demonstrate his ideas (which was nice of Miss 17). The design for me originally had a crop top but he told Miss 17 to put another piece of fabric and he didn't want my boobs to fall out. Thank you son. Very thoughtful.
Blended family traumas update
Chippendale and I talked to Miss 17 about her lack of chores. She said she didn't do any because she had to work all day. We pointed out we both work 40-60 hours a week (even off sick I have been doing 20-30 hours a week) and we can't get out of chores so why should she? We gave her the choice of no chores and she pays us half her wages. Today she got up and did her chores first (they only took 3/4 hour) and even hung out the washing which we didn't ask her to do. Today is a better day with us and Miss 17. It is also a better day with Chippendale who is really trying to start parenting Miss 17 and is working with me, not against me. It is also sunny!
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